Gather your armies

Sometimes, when my friends and I are gathered 'round the fire as friends often do, we play a game called "questions" (some call it "20 questions" but there is another unrelated games called "20 questions" and our game usually goes to about gagillion questions so...we'll just stick to the name "questions"). Anyhow, at some point someone always asks "If you could meet anyone past or present who would it be and what would you say to them". This Rick Barber not only answered the question, he taped how the entire scenario would go down - the f'ing founding fathers of the United States to talk about Obama and taxes...shouldn't this be reserved to the neo-nazi militia armies in the woods of Michigan?

The American Dream at its Finest

Once in a while something beautiful happens on our blue and green planet that restores my faith in the power chipping away at the corporate machine. Ok...local news is hardly the corporate machine but it makes up a part of its body, perhaps the big toe that we all know is so important. When I first watched this video I was not certain it was a prank because local news usually has the dumbest segments ever but once he started yo-yo'ing he, like the ginger, captured my heart. He is so convincing...damn it...I'm in love!

Upon further investigation, I found out the Zip Zap is a non-profit organization, but one that trains kids to be in the circus in South Africa. Oh...this guy is good. To quote the website, "The Zip Zap Circus is a non-profit organisation which aims to create opportunities for children. It is not just a circus school where children learn how to juggle or ride a unicycle, it is also a place where children learn the life skills which build the basic pillars of a successful life while continuing to bridge the remnants of racial divide in South Africa. Zip Zap’s mission is to provide innovative professional training and entertainment, and therefore provide opportunities for children to fulfill their potential." Their potential at the unicycle! Don't worry about being called Kafir, you can ride a unicycle and juggle on stage under bright lights and music far enough away from the crowd that you won't hear anyone yelling that at you. They can't, however, guarantee that the shameful walk to the dressing room that the kid shares with "Morty the Elephant" and "The Man with Two Penises" the won't make him look in the mirror and wonder if he has misunderstood the meaning of the words opportunity and potential for his entire young life.

BTW...he refers to the company name as Zip Zap but his shirt says Zim Zam...heyo!

Reason # 23480u3w4t to move to Norway

Who are these people!? Link

Ten years and 1.5 billion Norwegian kroner ($252 million) in the making, Halden is spread over 75 acres (30 hectares) of gently sloping forest in southeastern Norway. The facility boasts amenities like a sound studio, jogging trails and a freestanding two-bedroom house where inmates can host their families during overnight visits. Unlike many American prisons, the air isn't tinged with the smell of sweat and urine. Instead, the scent of orange sorbet emanates from the "kitchen laboratory" where inmates take cooking courses. "In the Norwegian prison system, there's a focus on human rights and respect," says Are Hoidal, the prison's governor. "We don't see any of this as unusual."

The cells rival well-appointed college dorm rooms, with their flat-screen TVs and minifridges. Designers chose long vertical windows for the rooms because they let in more sunlight. There are no bars. Every 10 to 12 cells share a living room and kitchen. With their stainless-steel countertops, wraparound sofas and birch-colored coffee tables, they resemble Ikea showrooms.

Halden's greatest asset, though, may be the strong relationship between staff and inmates. Prison guards don't carry guns — that creates unnecessary intimidation and social distance — and they routinely eat meals and play sports with the inmates. "Many of the prisoners come from bad homes, so we wanted to create a sense of family," says architect Per Hojgaard Nielsen. Half the guards are women — Hoidal believes this decreases aggression — and prisoners receive questionnaires asking how their experience in prison can be improved.

There's plenty of enthusiasm for transforming lives. "None of us were forced to work here. We chose to," says Charlott-Renee Sandvik Clasen, a music teacher in the prison and a member of Halden's security-guard chorus. "Our goal is to give all the prisoners — we call them our pupils — a meaningful life inside these walls." It's warmth like that, not the expensive television sets, that will likely have the most lasting impact.


Take that Foucault!!! I don't think it is a coincidence that the name of this prison is Thoreau's Walden with an H.

Take note America...this could have been you if you. Remember back as late as the 70s when you too believed in rehabilitating prisoners and lowering recidivism rates? Then you wanted to get tough on crime resulting in about 2 million (!) people housed behind the sad walls of your prisons without programs that may help them integrate into society better. Hmmm...maybe if someone was treated like shit their whole life they might change their attitude if they were shown a little bit of love.

Swoon

This could be one big misunderstanding

Restaurant Bars Blind Man for 'Gay Dog'

THE SUNDAY MAIL - A restaurant in a northwest suburb of Adelaide, Australia that refused a blind man entry because it thought his guide dog was "gay" was ordered by the Equal Opportunity Tribunal to pay him $1,500, The (Adelaide) Sunday Mail.
Ian Jolly, 57, was barred from dining at the Thai Spice restaurant in May 2009 after a staff member mistook his guide dog Nudge for a "gay dog," a tribunal heard this week.
A statement given by restaurant owners Hong Hoa Thi To and Anh Hoang Le said one of the restaurant's waiters said that Jolly's partner Ms. Chris Lawrence stated "she wanted to bring a gay dog into the restaurant."

Source: The (Adelaide) Sunday Mail

Blah Blah Blah...the story continues. Now it seems to me that this might a problem of linguistics rather than an issue of gay-dog bashing...but who knew the problems in Asian speech patterns when speaking English were conceived at the point of hearing words rather than saying them! While Ms. Chris Lawrence might have been saying "guide" the staff at the Thai restaurant was hearing "gay". So the lingual problems of Asians trying to speak English might not be due to the tricky flick of the Asian tongue but perhaps a twist in their ear canal that distorts sound at the cognitive stage!

Also, this blind guy is really brave to be taking his dog into and Asian restaurant, one switcheroo and Nudge might be more dinner than director...more food than followed...more meal than marshal...catch the drift.

In a somewhat related story, when a group of boy (read man) scouts (wearing their little camouflage colored shorts and sashes adorned with their bells and whistles of achievement) tried to eat at the restaurant a couple of days later, they were told the restaurant does not allow guides.

Is it the same as a political science degree?

Both entail sucking the life out of things until nothing is left but an empty shell of nothingness...

Starting next fall, the University of Hertfordshire in England will be offering a graduate program in Vampire Literature. Before scoffing and wondering what one can do with such degree except create an academic pyramid scheme where the first several graduates of the program will be hired to teach the next several enrollees, ask yourself what one can do with a graduate degree in political science. Who's the fool now?

Serving up a bowl of tears

You know when you are a kid (or adult) and something happens where you start crying and then you start crying even harder because you feel bad for yourself for crying so hard and this goes on for about 15 minutes until you become numb and breath long lip quivering moans between your tears which turn into stuttering breaths? Then, somehow at the end of all that you begin to wonder why you even began crying at all with the realization that life really isn't as bad as it seemed in the last 15 minutes and ideas come to you about how to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and get it together. I am pretty sure this was the tearful storm that brewed in Marie T Smith's cat filled kitchen before she looked up and saw the light that was her microwave. That beacon of radiation filled hope that said to her "fuck filling the lonely hours of your life doing something useful with your time like cooking...pop that steak in the microwave and call it an ambien-induced night".

Ron Burgundy's Long Lost Brother

Stay Classy...

Doppelganger!

Man in Korea marries body pillow.

Man, this guy is going to be pissed when someone tells him about the Real Doll.

In 1991, when I was just a wee lassy, my family moved from Abu Dhabi to California. At a time when no one understood the refinement of having one continuous eyebrow or clothes that were obviously not from around those parts, I had a hard time making friends. So, when Kristen Garcia asked me to come over to her house and hang out I accepted and was immediately excited at the prospect of having a friend. Side Note: I later found out that she was THE girl at school that no one wanted to hang out with due to her irregular hygiene habits and her (as you will found out shortly) odd behavior. How was I supposed to know...I was an immigrant.

So, I was dropped off at her house one day. We spent some time in her kitchen before her mother came in a starting yelling at her for not showering for the past 3 days. Oh, how the irony of all of this will play later in my life when I decided to strike the concept of showering. At the time, however, I was disgusted but decided maybe this is what was meant when people said American girls were dirty. So, we scurried up to her room where she proceeded to explain to me a little make-believe game where she would be dating Patrick Swayze (who I did not know at the time) and I would be dating Tom Cruise (who I also did not know at the time) and we would be making out with the fucking WALL! and act like it was our respective gentleman callers. I freaked out and called my mom to come pick me up after I told her the game was weird and I did not understand why we would play it.

For me, this guy is the the fat Korean doppelganger of Kristen expect he is more enamored by soft flexible materials while she is attracted to the unyielding nature of walls.

Kristen is currently in China being courted by the Great Wall. *The contrariness of going to China to find a "big" object of affection should be noted.

I introduce to you the lionhead rabbit

Thank Noah and his arc for saving two of every animal so they could procreate and save this precious lot. Actually, they are a new breed first recognized in 2002 and are intentionally bred, but these heavenly creatures have captured me hart (silent h please). And with this we have found the solution for world peace. If a thousand of these bunnies were hopping timidly across a battlefield, tell me, who would have the heart to shoot? Soldiers would just fall to their knees and cry in shame for harming the world that these bunnies live in.

In my head all day....

Color

The proof is in the parking

An official in Shijiazhuang, China, told Agence France-Presse in December that the city's new "women only" parking lot was designed to meet females' "strong sense of color and different sense of distance." That is, the spaces are 3 feet wider than regular spaces and painted pink and purple. Also, attendants have been "trained" to "guide" women into parking spaces. [BBC News, 12-28-09]

I am going to keep a copy of this article on me so that the next time someone is accused of being racist for saying Asian women can't drive I can prove that their own government recognizes the problem.

True Hollywood Story: Sarah Palin

Before the makeover

Like...totally.

Nice song. Nice Video.

I remembered this video today...melancholy joy.

Wrong in more ways than one

Lesson #1 for future stripper at Joe's Strip Club off Highway 2 in Flint, Michigan: Make sure there are enough clothes in your closet to eventually strip off your body. Just a basic rule...otherwise it would not be called stripping...doy.

Parallel Universe: Part II - Our underwater counterparts

Oh Squeaky...could there ever be a greater love than ours?


(PhysOrg.com) -- Scientists studying dolphin behavior have suggested they could be the most intelligent creatures on Earth after humans, saying the size of their brains in relation to body size is larger than that of our closest relatives, the chimpanzees, and their behaviors suggest complex intelligence. One scientist said they should therefore be treated as "non-human persons" and granted rights as individuals.

If these dolphins were really so smart they would swim for ze underwater hills.

While this may open up marriage prospectives for those long in the tooth (and chin hair) looking to settle down with an individual, it will also give guys much needed competition in certain areas...ahem, if you know what i mean. What does it mean that dolphins will now be considered non-human persons? Can we put them to work so they can pay taxes? Can parts of the ocean inhabited by dolphins now be recognized by the United Nations as a sovereign state exercising power in the world? What the f are these scientists talking aboot? Scientist (from Canada), "its aboot democracy, its aboot freedom!" Apparently, these scientists think it is a crime to keep such intelligent animals in captivity or kill them and that they should have rights? Erum...okay...shouldn't this apply to all living things?

Of course, all of this aside, the most important question is whether dolphins now have the right to abort the tiny fetus inside its belly. Since dolphins may be considered individuals living in complex social structures, is the little baby considered an individual at conception. Can the mama dolphin squeak, "oh hell no, i am NOT about to raise another child in this world when I can barely take care of myself. Migrating across the ocean to find food is not easy and I will be god damned if I can going to share my food with another little bastard."

Oh...this world is so full of riddles!

Omophagy - Word of the every so often

Omophagy - The eating of raw food, especially raw meat.

Homo, faggy...what kind of raw meat are they talking about?

Used in a sentence: When Billy told his parents he was embracing a life of omophagy, his dad immediately began to regret not spending more time with him playing sports and introducing him to nudie mags.

Parallel Universe

Don "Moose" Lewis announced plans in January for a 12-city pro basketball league composed only of white players (natural-born U.S. citizens, whose parents are both Caucasian). Lewis denied any "racism," explaining to the Augusta (Ga.) Chronicle that whites simply like "fundamental" basketball and not "street ball" ("flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch"). [Augusta Chronicle, 1-19-10)

The year is 2010. From a parallel universe where everything is the opposite of what we know, an all white basketball team breaks through the mucus membrane separating the two worlds entering our reality. Unbeknownst to them, they entered a world where prostitution is illegal, fish swim in water, and Oprah is fat. In their world, basketball is played for the love of the game and not for showing off by dunking after making 360 degree spins and the opportunity to attack fans in the stands. They come from a more gentle world where Mexicans are the paying customers and Asians have insanely huge eyes. When they play, the theme song for the Andy Griffith Show plays in the background. Theirs is a world of leisure. So, when they announced that they were going to create and all-white basketball league that would go on a 12 city tour to show us what the game of basketball is really about, imagine their surprise when they were criticized and called racist. Geez, they just wanted to give us a peek into their world so maybe we can learn what basketball is really about.

Almost as cool as the electric flyswatter

I really wouldn't mind donating the droplet of blood a mosquito pierces my skin to suck in an invasive fashion if they did not leave an annoying and itchy bump behind. Seriously, I am not going to die without that drop of blood and really if the mosquito were to evolve out of leaving that mark for the survival of their kind there would be a lesser attempt to kill them at every given chance. They also need to work on the insanely loud buzzing heard when they near the ear. I think it is fair to say that humans should work on evolving out of being affected by Malaria so mosquitoes and humans alike can collectively hate on the poop eating vomiting and re-digesting fly.

Since mosquitoes have not reached aforementioned level of evolution, this is currently the best invention of 2010. Die fuckers!!!

Long Live The Queen

It occurred to me today what I did not know the last name of Queen Elizabeth. Then, I started to realize that I don't know that last name of any of the members of the English royal family. Prince Charles...Prince William...Fergie Ferg. So...I did some research and came up with the following.

1. Who the fuck needs a last name when you can end your introduction as Queen of England or Prince of Wales.

2. The Royal Family did not have an official last name at all until 1917 when George V officially adopted "Windsor"

There are a lot more details to all this but the bottom line is that they just use the name of the house they belong to.

In a related story...conspiracy theorist David Icke has long said that the Royal Family (in fact all the ruling elite of the world) was part of a lineage of reptilian humanoids that has been controlling the world since 5000bc. The lineage originally started in the Middle East and slowly moved to Rome, then Britain and lastly the Americas. So...let's make a connection...the royal family never has a last name...the gecko from the Geico commercial and any other reptile I know for that matter never had last name. SO....David Icke isn't crazy after all...right?

In a relevant but perhaps not so related story...the Phoenicians (Icke says this is right about where the Middle East alien baby making started) as far back as 1103BC sailed and settle in England to mine tin...hence the name Britain...which means this evolved mixed alien race could have exported their reptile blood to the whites at that time when making sexy time with the locals who in turn also become evolved and eventually took over the world...muhahahah (pinkie in the corner of mouth.)

Just saying...

Farewell and Thank You

“I'm worried that students will take their obedient place in society and look to become successful cogs in the wheel - let the wheel spin them around as it wants without taking a look at what they're doing. I'm concerned that students not become passive acceptors of the official doctrine that's handed down to them from the White House, the media, textbooks, teachers and preachers.”

We were not born critical of existing society. There was a moment in our lives (or a month, or a year) when certain facts appeared before us, startled us, and then caused us to question beliefs that were strongly fixed in our consciousness - embedded there by years of family prejudices, orthodox schooling, imbibing of newspapers, radio, and television.

Behind the deceptive words designed to entice people into supporting violence -- words like democracy, freedom, self-defense, national security -- there is the reality of enormous wealth in the hands of a few, while billions of people in the world are hungry, sick, homeless.

Quotes from Howard Zinn 1922-2010

Ha-Ha - Word of the every so often

Ha-Ha: A sunken fence or ditch that is between two land boundaries that divides the land without obstructing the view of the land.

Please be aware that if you want to express laughter when sending me an email or a text and you enter ha-ha...I will read it per the above definition. I will no longer be amused by your colloquial interjections.

Why do birds suddenly appear?

Oh you...will I ever meet anyone that will make me laugh so hard? You've captured my heart and the eyes alike.

To all you haters that thought he was acting the first time...fuck you bro. Let's see, if he has an older brother that is also a ginger I wonder what Mr. Gregor Mendel would have to say about the probability of me having a ginger of my own.

Love this song with me.

The more you know...

About five years ago my best friend and I spent a lovely day at Venice beach with all the other rif raf of Los Angeles. We ate pikza and mini donuts and sat around the drum circle smoking "cigarettes" until we were exhausted from doing nothing all day and decided to go home. During our ten minute walk back to the car past the river and the building with the graffiti mural we turned into a neighborhood and what did we see? A big duck pimp and four raper ducks having their way with a duckette. We were witness to a duck gang rape.

I have been thinking about this event while wondering what happened to the bastard children conceived on that fateful day so I decided to look into the dark world of duck gang rape. APPARENTLY...the duck pimp game is older than the Bishop Don Juan and these ducks are less picky than Wilt Chamberlain.

From my mouth to God's ear...the following was taken from an actual Yale University/ World Science report.

All of these duck shinanigans have led to the evolutionary development of "elaborate penises" and "cryptic vaginas" in the duck world. Basically, the duckette developed a vagina that corkscrews in the opposite direction of the ducks corky penis. It's like trying to put a cap on a bottle and it just keeps turning around and around because the ridges don't match up. Why they don't just lay eggs and fertilize them like other birds...I don't know. Who ever heard of duck coitus? Although...I am pretty sure fellatio is out of the question...what with no lips and all.


"girl...you know I love you...aaaah"

Seriously...imagine how long ducks have been raping for all this evolution to take place. The story continues. They really know how to strong wing a hoe. Since his bottom bitch developed the opposite corkscrew action to counter the screwy penis...he developed spikes on his penis (for traction of course). She responded with a big "fuck me no bitch fuck you" by developing false canals that lead to nowhere so she can't get pregnant by her raper.

And now you know...

For your pipe to smoke

It is not in giving life but in risking life that man is raised above the animal: that is why superiority has been accorded in humanity not to the sex that brings forth but to that which kills - Simone de Beauvoir

Photo - Blind Power" by Rudolf Schlichter 1937, Berlinische Galerie, Berlin

Everyday of his life...IT PISSES HIM OFF!

Columbine 2.0. I shamelessly took this off dlisted...I am not joking or exaggerating when I say this is the funniest video I have ever seen. Does he realize he's talking to a camera?

Fuck you National Geographic

For decades Russians and scholars alike have discussed the Americanization of the world...globalization blah blah...Coca Cola McDonalds...blah blah...rock music. Recently...the New York Times magazine published and article about the Americanization of mental illness and the spread of the Western interpretation of mental illness.

People against the Americanization of the world implore American's to open themselves up to other cultures and ways of life and to expand their horizons. This has created a niche market for the National Georaphic Channel and the Discovery channel to transport people from their couches to the ends of the earth. But you see...you see what happens.

Fuck you national geographic. What about the Africanization of the world. Will it ever end?! First, the Africanized bees then AIDS and now this crazy bitch in a patchwork skirt...she's not even pregnant...she's just from Oklahoma.

Upside downy

When hairy met fatty or when white Jesus and white Buddha were held hostage


Brouton Stroube hung his picturees upside down before clicking away for his newest collection of photos.

Buy stocks in goat immediately

Afghanistan's national game, buzkashi, is attempting a marketing transformation inspired by pro football's and basketball's growths in the United States over the last several decades, according to a November USA Today dispatch. The main hindrance is that buzkashi is often little more than violent anarchy. A team of 12 men on horseback tries to carry a goat carcass the length of a field, around a goal and back, through an opposing team "defense" that includes almost any tactic short of murder. Spectators are often trampled by riders disregarding boundaries, and horses have dropped dead on the field from abuse or fatigue. The head of the Buzkashi Federation said he aims to present the game for consideration to the International Olympic Committee. [USA Today, 11-18-09]

Now this is how you qualify progress. Thank you America for showing Afghani's the light (by the way Afghani's take note...because America is still waiting for its thank you card...rude). This is a leap in the direction of progress from the old national game and pastime which consisted of grabbing a woman walking on the street and dragging her through town and calling her a whore for an exposed pinkie toe. Have fun Sogol.